西元1985年，民國七十四年三月，終於決定結束每天帶著一顆沉重的鐵飯盒且虛無飄渺的中學生涯，正式成為一名中輟生。慶幸自己遠離陳腔濫調又乏善可陳的校園生活之餘，隱約的失落與自卑感卻開始如冬季的浪潮般一波波襲捲而來…。
宋曉明 ，潮間帶，油彩、壓克力、炭筆、比利時畫布，53x194cm，2020年。圖/采泥藝術提供
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回想當時決斷地離開學校的理由，除了厭惡那個不友善的環境外，長期缺乏學業成就感而導致課業成績低落，所以，面子問題是輟學的關鍵因素。桀驁不馴卻又一籌莫展，完全寫照了當年十幾歲年少無知的我。困頓的經濟條件，事實上在各種層面也限縮了我的生活日常；一個無所事事的中輟生，不是在街上遊蕩就是呆在海邊放空，總覺得自己像條沒有被超渡的遊魂，也像個腦袋天馬行空的哲學家，經常坐在七星潭岸邊困惑著自己沒有答案又哲學兮兮的人生問題…。個性孤僻又中途離開學校，本來就不擅交際的我就更無講話的對象；這樣的處境也不算太壞，不只沒有送往迎來的困擾，同時自我對話的機會變得更多了！這種狀態外人難以察覺與理解，唯有默默看顧我的母親了解我正處於一種自我矛盾且難解的模式。小學畢業的她並不擅於言辭開導，也從不對我說教，但日益蒼老的神態和溫柔憐憫的眼神總是透露著無盡的關愛，與無奈…。
宋曉明 ，秀姑巒，油彩、壓克力、炭筆、比利時畫布，52x197cm，2020年。圖/采泥藝術提供
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經過兩年又十個月渾渾噩噩的日子，母親送我到車站準備入伍，遞給我廟裡求來的平安符，嘱咐著要順利退伍，在踏上月台那一刻，轉身瞥見了在我身後偷偷拭淚的母親，恍然明白，她冀望我的從不是富貴顯達，而是平安自足的簡單生活，可是以當時的各種物質條件，這樣的願望已是奢求！
曾經有許多人問過我相同的問題：「大西洋與太平洋有什麼感覺上的差別？」、「當你望向海天一線時都在想些什麼？可曾得到任何啟示？」…；我只知道，當我佇足在紐約的大西洋岸邊，冷冽而深沉的海水反覆地沖擊著海岸線，好比思鄉的情緒永無暫歇，總覺得「家」就在這廣袤無際的洋流的另一邊！幾年之後，我又到了另一處有海的國度，隔著北海、整個歐陸及亞洲大陸，「家」顯得更加遙遠…。
宋曉明 ，晝雨，油彩、壓克力、比利時畫布， 50x175cm，2018年。圖/采泥藝術提供
海的顏色對於一個十幾歲懵懂少年而言，除了崇高之外，它是清澈的、充滿想像、甚至是可以被征服的！即便它時常隨著天空與氣候的轉換而有所不同；海的顏色對於現在的我而言，除了敬畏之外，它是深不可測且變化萬千的；然而，變化的來源已非外在的天候，心內的觸動直接地決定海的顏色。其實，大海的顏色及其洋流的方向，未曾產生明顯的改變，變的是自己的人生經歷與體悟。景色依舊但年華已逝，同樣佇足在七星潭岸邊的我，此時看見的是一幕幕過往的人生影像，還有一段段的苦澀酸甜…。
宋曉明 ，墨綠，紙膠帶、油彩、壓克力、比利時畫布，116.3x80cm(x2)，2017年。圖/采泥藝術提供
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宋曉明 ，困惑，油彩、壓克力、比利時畫布，112x145.5cm，2015年。圖/采泥藝術提供
展覽空間照。圖/采泥藝術提供
In March 1985, I finally decided to end my aimless junior high school days, carrying a heavy metal lunch box to and back from the school every day, and officially dropped out. I was glad to be able to escape the banal and meaningless school life, but implicitly felt a sense of loss and inferiority that smashed my heart like incessant ocean waves in winter.
Recalling my reason of determinedly dropping out of the school, it was because the unfriendly environment had not only incurred my dislike, but also led to a non-existent sense of academic achievement and embarrassing grades; therefore, the problem of losing face was a crucial reason of my quitting school. Rebelliously untamed yet being stifled and having no way out was exactly my feeling as an ignorant teenager. In fact, my meager financial ability also restricted my daily life in various aspects. A dropout with nothing to do, I used to wander the streets or sitting by the seaside, feeling like a lost spirit in limbo, or a wildly imaginative philosopher ruminating on questions about life that were philosophical but probably had no answers whatsoever by the shore of Qixingtan (Seven Star Bay). Reclusive, unsociable and being away from the school, I had fewer friends to talk to. On the other hand, the situation was not entirely negative because it saved me the trouble of socializing with others and gave me more time for self-dialogue. Such a state of mind was not easily detected and comprehended by others; only my mother, who was quietly looking after me, could understand the self-conflicting and undecipherable process I was going through. Only an elementary school graduate, she was not good at guiding me with her words, nor did she ever preach and lecture me. Instead, her aging look and tender, sympathetic eyes always revealed her limitless love and feeling of helplessness.
After two years and ten months of purposeless days, I was about to serve my military duty. My mother took me to the train station, and handed me a lucky charm acquired from a temple, telling me to return safe. The moment I stepped onto the train platform, I turned around and saw my tearful mother. All of a sudden, I realized that she had never hoped for me to have fame and wealth but a simple life of safety and self-sufficiency. However, such a wish was still too much to ask given our material conditions back then.
Many people have asked me similar questions: “What are the differences of being on the Atlantic Ocean and the Pacific Ocean?” “What were you thinking when you gazed into the seemingly merged sea and sky? Did you receive any divine revelation?” In fact, I only knew that when I stood on the Atlantic shore in New York, watching the freezing and pompous waves smashing incessantly on the coast, my feelings of homesickness were also ceaseless and I always thought that “home” was on the other end of the boundless water. After a few years, I arrived at another country by the sea. With the North Sea, Europe and Asia in between, “home” seemed to be more distant.
For a young adult that was less than twenty-years old, the color of the sea was not only sublime but also clear, imaginative and even conquerable despite its constantly changing colors due to the condition of the sky and weather. Nowadays, the color of the sea, for me, is both awe-inspiring, unfathomable and every-changing. However, the source of its variation is not the external weather but the inner palpitation that directly determines the sea’s color. In reality, the colors and the currents of the ocean have never really changed in a distinctive way, what is different today is my experience and realization in life. While the landscape remains the same, time has flown away. Standing by the shore of Qixingtan, I seem to perceive scenes from my past and taste the bittersweetness they bring.